


Fa Napoli

by Katie_P



Category: I'm Dying Up Here (TV)
Genre: Assault, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, electric shock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 14:03:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11625087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katie_P/pseuds/Katie_P
Summary: It had always been there, in the back of Clay's mind, the soft voice that wished him dead.





	Fa Napoli

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings for suicidal thoughts and feelings, references to a suicidal minor, long-term battle with mental illness, brief description of serious but nonlethal electric shock, brief description of assault, and canon character death by suicide (off-screen). This story is very dark. Read at your own risk.

It had always been there, in the back of Clay's mind, the soft voice that wished him dead. 

There was a second voice, too. It was quieter than Death, but far more seductive: an inexplicable yet steadfast belief that he was meant to do something important. For a long time he didn't know what that something was, but he knew that he had to keep going if he wanted to find it.

He'd had a few close calls in his early years: a nasty shock in shop class from a car battery that was supposed to be disconnected, and a near-drowning in phys ed when a classmate jumped him and held him under water after a pointless argument. 

Frankly, Clay couldn't believe he'd actually managed to make it to his high school graduation. Part of him was convinced he'd die first, either by his own hand or in a freak accident. Though he often fantasized about such an accident, by the time he graduated he hadn't seriously thought about killing himself in almost two years.

He'd found something to live for: comedy. 

It wasn't easy, making a career in comedy. Getting started in Boston was hard enough. Moving to L.A. and starting all over again was even worse. He had more than his fair share of setbacks, and with each one Death called to him. But every time he picked himself up and kept going. He knew he wasn't done yet. He still had his important thing to do, though he still didn't know what it was.

Getting into Goldie's gave him direction. She had a vision for him, a career plan beyond simply getting paid for being funny. As soon as she said it, Clay knew he'd found it: his Everest, his Napoli. 

Suddenly his life had new meaning as he honed his craft under Goldie's watchful gaze. 

Night after night he stepped in front of the microphone. Every set was a live dress rehearsal in front of a test audience. Each word he spoke was carefully chosen, weighed against the previous audience's reaction. Pacing and intonation became obsessions. 

He worked for years, knowing that when Goldie said he was ready it would all coalesce for one final performance. 

And he'd done it.

All of his hard work had finally paid off: he'd gotten the couch on Johnny Carson. He'd summitted his Everest. He'd seen his Napoli.

Sitting on the hotel room bed, it was all finally catching up to him: the days working two jobs before hitting the comedy clubs, crashing for a few hours, and then doing it all again. The sleepless nights when a routine just wouldn't come together and Goldie was ragging on him for new material. Standing in front of countless rooms of strangers and laying his soul bare before them, sometimes to applause, but more often to jeers. 

He was so, so tired.

And now he could rest. 

Clay finished his beer, switched off the TV, and walked out his hotel room door. 

It was time to die.

**Author's Note:**

> If you identify in any way with Clay in this story, please, please seek help. I've had suicidal urges since I was 6 years old. I'm 27 now, and so far I've never acted on them. I've thought about it. I've made plans. But I've never acted on those plans. I've gotten better at ignoring these feelings, but I know they'll never go away completely. The most intense feelings will pass, if given time. The most important thing to do is to hold on. It's really, really hard because the desire for the pain to end is overwhelming, but it will pass. If you want to talk to someone and you're in the United States <https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/> has both voice and chat options. [IMAlive](https://www.imalive.org/) is a 100% online instant message based crisis network, if you prefer a text-based medium for communicating. Stay safe. Please.
> 
> Suicide Hotlines Around the World: <http://togetherweare-strong.tumblr.com/helpline>  
> Argentina: 54-0223-493-0430  
> Australia: 13-11-14  
> Austria: 01-713-3374  
> Barbados: 429-9999  
> Belgium: 106  
> Botswana: 391-1270  
> Brazil: 21-233-9191  
> China: 852-2382-0000  
> Hong Kong: 2389-2222  
> Costa Rica: 606-253-5439  
> Croatia: 01-4833-888  
> Cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67  
> Czech Republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908  
> Denmark: 70-201-201  
> Egypt: 762-1602  
> Estonia: 6-558-088  
> Finland: 040-5032199  
> France: 01-45-39-4000  
> Germany: 0800-181-0721  
> Greece: 1018  
> Guatemala: 502-234-1239  
> Holland: 0900-0767  
> Honduras: 504-237-3623  
> Hungary: 06-80-820-111  
> Iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90  
> Israel: 09-8892333  
> India: 022-27546669  
> Italy: 06-705-4444  
> Japan: 3-5286-9090  
> Latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292  
> Malaysia: 03-756-8144  
> Singapore: 1-800-221-4444  
> Mexico: 525-510-2550  
> Netherlands: 0900-0767  
> New Zealand: 4-473-9739  
> New Guinea: 675-326-0011  
> Nicaragua: 505-268-6171  
> Norway: 47-815-33-300  
> Philippines: 02-896-9191  
> Poland: 52-70-000  
> Portugal: 239-72-10-10  
> Russia: 8-20-222-82-10  
> Spain: 91-459-00-50  
> South Africa: 0861-322-322  
> South Korea: 2-715-8600  
> Sweden: 031-711-2400  
> Switzerland: 143  
> Taiwan: 0800-788-995  
> Thailand: 02-249-9977  
> Trinidad and Tobago: 868-645-2800  
> Ukraine: 0487-327715  
> United States: 1-800-784-8433


End file.
